AFTER YOU BECOME A LEVEL EIGHT RAW VEGAN YOU CAN ASK THE ELDERS FOR ACCESS TO THE ORIGINAL WHOLE FOODS. ONCE INSIDE YOU CAN ALIGN THE RUNESTONES AND SCALLIONS TO SUMMON THE TRANSFORMING SPIRITS OF ANCIENT LOCAVORES.
IT’S ALL PRETTY ADVANCED STUFF. YOU ARE QUITE NEW TO OUR WAYS. FOR NOW YOU SHOULD PROBABLY JUST CONCENTRATE ON BUYING FAIR-TRADE AND REDUCING YOUR GLUTEN INTAKE.
YOU SEE THAT, DONALD? THAT’S A HERD OF ANTELOPE. WE’RE GOING TO EAT THEM. DO YOU KNOW WHY WE’RE GOING TO EAT THEM?
BECAUSE WE’RE HUNGRY?
NO, BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T GO TO COLLEGE. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T GO TO COLLEGE. YOU DIE SCREAMING IN A FIELD. NOW LET’S EAT. AFTER THAT YOU’RE GOING TO FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK.
I APPRECIATE YOUR ATTEMPT TO TAKE AN INTEREST IN MY LIFE, BUT LET’S BE SERIOUS HERE. BEFORE I MOVED IN YOU THOUGHT A TOUCHDOWN WAS SLANG FOR MASTURBATION.
GO ON AND UPDATE YOUR BLOG AND LET ME ENJOY THE GAME. WE CAN GRAB A BEER LATER OR SOMETHING. MAYBE A CHAI. WHATEVER IT IS YOU DRINK.
WAITING LIST? BACKGROUND CHECK? THIS IS AMERICA, PAUL. I WENT TO A GUN SHOW. IN AND OUT IN 20 MINUTES. NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, THERE’S A FAMILY OF CARDINALS IN THE POPLAR TREE WHO THINK THEY CAN TALK SHIT ABOUT MY PLUMAGE.
DON’T LOOK SO WORRIED. I’LL SAY IT WAS SELF DEFENSE.
WELCOME HOME. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE IN A BAD MOOD FROM WORKING SO HARD SO I CREATED MANY FUN SURPRISES FOR YOU ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
SEVERAL SURPRISES WERE MADE INSIDE MY OWN BODY, WHICH IS VERY CLOSE TO MY HEART, SPATIALLY.
SEVERAL OTHERS ARE ART PROJECTS I MADE USING SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE YOUR TRASH, THE FLAVORLESS MARSHMALLOW STUFF INSIDE THE COUCH, AND THE CONTENTS OF THE PANTRY.
THANK YOU FOR NOT SHUTTING THE PANTRY DOOR, BY THE WAY. THERE WERE SO MANY USEFUL ART SUPPLIES IN THERE.
OH YEAH, I THINK THAT CHAD NOODLEBACK AND AVRIL LAVIGNE COLLABORATIVE RECORD IS GOING TO BE AMAZING. I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT.
Because you’re Canadian?
NO, BECAUSE I’M DEAF.
I WON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THE HORRIBLE TORTURE OF THE RECORD ITSELF, BUT THE AGONIZED SCREAMS AND WOEFUL GROANS OF THE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO ACCIDENTALLY HEAR THE SINGLES ON THE RADIO WILL BLEND INTO SOME SORT OF STEADY, VIBRATORY HUM THAT I CAN FEEL IN MY GUT AND FINGERTIPS, AND THAT WILL BE LIKE MUSIC TO ME.
WAY BETTER MUSIC, OBVIOUSLY, THAN CHAVRIL COULD POSSIBLY PRODUCE.
AND NOW AT LAST IT COMES. YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RING FREELY!
IN PLACE OF THE DARK LORD YOU WILL SET UP A QUEEN. AND I SHALL NOT BE DARK, BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE MORNING AND THE NIGHT! FAIR AS THE SEA AND THE SUN AND THE SNOW UPON THE MOUNTAIN! DREADFUL AS THE STORM AND THE LIGHTNING! STRONGER THAN THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE EARTH.
ALL SHALL LOVE ME, AND DESPAIR!
GOD, DON’T YOU THINK IT’S TIME YOU ADDRESSED YOUR CREATIONS DIRECTLY? UPDATED YOUR LAWS AND COMMANDMENTS AND CLEARED UP ANY MISINTERPRETATIONS? THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD DOWN HERE.
I was going to, but I can’t get verified on Twitter because I forgot My old hotmail password.
CAN’T YOU JUST SHOW UP IN THE SKY OR SOMETHING? BIG PYROTECHNICS DISPLAY, AMPLIFIED VOICE, ETC?
That doesn’t mean anything anymore. I just went to go see hologram Tupac on tour. It’s the same thing.
SHIT, YOU’RE RIGHT. WE’VE GOT TO GET YOU VERIFIED.
That’s what I’ve been saying.
THANK YOU FOR ALWAYS LISTENING TO ME COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB FOR HOURS ON END EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHO ANY OF THE PEOPLE I’M TALKING ABOUT ARE, OR HOW THE BASICS OF MY CHOSEN INDUSTRY FUNCTION.
IN MY HEAD I JUST PICTURE YOUR COWORKERS AS VARIOUS D-LIST TV ACTORS. IT MAKES YOUR COMPLAINING LIKE A LITTLE SHOW. OF COURSE, IT’S A TERRIBLE SHOW AND I HATE ALL THOSE ACTORS NOW, EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVEN’T ACTUALLY DONE ANY OF THE THINGS I HATE THEM FOR.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN I DESCRIBE THE JOB ITSELF IN EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING DETAIL?
QUITE HONESTLY, ONCE YOU GO OFF ON SPECIFICS I JUST TUNE YOU OUT AND TRY TO NOD EVERY 30 SECONDS OR SO. SOMETIMES I GO, “UGH” OR “OH, THAT’S TERRIBLE.” IT WORKS ALMOST EVERY TIME.
YOU ARE A HANDSOME GENIUS.
THANK YOU. YOU NEED A NEW JOB.
